Knowing Without Knowing

Last Monday was my last day at Upworthy. It was a tough decision to leave a place that's meant so much to me for almost 2.5 years. I actually put in my notice five months ago, and then three months ago, and then kept not-leaving.

It's always hard with any big decision to know if you're doing the "right thing." I put that in quotes because most likely there's no such thing as THE right thing. There are probably many possible right things, and hopefully the thing you do turns out to be one of them.

But you do get those moments of clarity. You know the ones I mean. You're washing dishes or reading a book or folding laundry and suddenly you stop and you look up and you set down whatever is in your hand and though you can't know, you just KNOW.

But the thing about those moments is that they pass, and that's when the doubts start creeping in. The fears. The logic. It's so hard to ever know anything for sure, and harder still to hold on to that slippery knowledge through everything that comes after.

I think a big theme of 2018 for me is going to be about trusting myself. It's been a tough nut to crack my whole life. I always want data, evidence, validation, preferably in the form of a .csv export. At the very least: a roadmap. Even when I know something in my bones, when I nearly vibrate with the trueness of it, I still look for someone else to give me permission.

But I have a feeling that for some of the things I need to do next, there will be no permission. I will screw up, and I will fear, and I will think "what in the ever loving fuck have I done." No one is going to clear the path and say, "This is the way to where you're going." I will just have to clear it myself, not armed with data or proof or permission, but simply with the memory of that moment at the sink. The looking up, the setting down. The knowing, without knowing.