In Which I Contract Food Poisoning and/or a New Career Path

ME. ok i am becoming increasingly concerned
ME. about this pumpkin non-dairy creamer i'm consuming
ME. because it is a fall flavor
ME. that was not purchased this fall
ANNA. whaaaaaat
ME. expiration date is april '08
ME. BUT
ME. it has not been opened until today
ME. and it's NON-DAIRY CREAMER COME ON
ME. what is that shit even MADE of?

(pause)

ME. i think i need to dump it out
ANNA. "when in doubt, throw it out"
ME. words of wisdom
ME. also, i think i have salmonella
ANNA. yeah...you probably want to toss that
ANNA. before you toss your cookies
ME. "toss the milk, not your cookies"
ME. WHY ISN'T THAT FAMOUS
ANNA. heyyyyooooo
ANNA. you could work for the Food Poisoning Board
ME. VP in Charge of Slogans
ANNA. when jen and i got burgers the other night
ANNA. we both asked for medium rare
ANNA. and then when we got them
ANNA. we were like "AAAAA THIS MEAT IS RAW"
ME. noooooo
ME. this seems like a constant source of drama
ME. for restaurants
ANNA. come on chefs
ME. yes but also patrons have varying expectations
ME. (that's a phrase from one of our Food Safety Brochures)
ME. people ask for one thing when they mean something else
ME. kind of like how everyone thinks they are middle class
ANNA. hahaha
ME. everyone thinks they want medium rare
ME. BUT DO YOU REALLY LET'S BE HONEST
ANNA. people get weird about meat
ANNA. just like they get weird
ANNA. about literally every good/service ever
ME. "people get weird about goods/services"
ME. AM I RIGHT AM I RIGHT
ANNA. "what's up with people? and how weird they get?"
ANNA. "about [insert name of good or service]"
ME. COMIC GENIUS
ME. i'd pay good money to see that in a comedy club
ANNA. i would wear a blazer
ANNA. with the sleeves pushed up to my elbows
ME. i'd drink something with an umbrella in it
ME. and try not to make eye contact