Dating is such a funny thing.
And by ‘funny’ I mean ‘please sign me up for an arranged marriage’.
Quitting law school is also a funny thing (and by ‘funny’ I mean ‘where’s my valium’). It seems reasonable to me, after quitting law school, to spend a few months bumming around in pajamas, doing odd jobs, and trying to reassemble your sense of self.
But I have been doing that for six months.
Did you know that it’s been six months? Because I did not know that.
It would be fine if I was working on something. Like, if I was writing a novel or recording an album or applying to grad school. It would be fine if every time someone asked “What have you been up to lately?” I didn’t hide under the table and scream, “STOP HOUNDING ME ALREADY.” It would be fine if I had some sort of Plan.
But I do not have a Plan and it finally occurs to me that I’m not “taking it easy” and I’m not “being Zen,” I’m floundering. I know that I should have Goals and Action Items, but right now I’m more BYOB than 401K and I’d go after what I want if I only knew what that was.
“I’m meeting more and more women these days who… want a guy to be (in part) infrastructure for their lives (or an enabler for a laundry list of goals).”
I read that and I thought, my god, am I doing that?
And, dudes, I totally might be. I feel like I’ve almost given up on myself and I realized today that I might (in part) be looking for a partner as a last ditch attempt at attaching Meaning and Purpose to my life, since everything else I’ve tried has failed. To be honest, I think a lot of people do that, but that doesn’t make it healthy or okay.
And that is why I cannot date anyone until I get my shit in a fully upright and together position. And is also why I need to make some changes and I need to make them soon.