We’re always at turning points, I guess. Wherever you are on the great highway of life, there are always exits and opportunities for u-turns even if there is a daunting lack of rest stops. Nevertheless, I feel like I am at a particularly major intersection at the moment and am unsure where to direct my vehicle although I finally feel like I’ve regained the emotional stability required for map-reading.
Ok, this metaphor is getting obnoxious.
I’ve had a few wake-up calls the past month or so and they really hurt. I’m not comfortable talking about them because, frankly, I’m embarrassed. I’m almost never too embarrassed about something to tell people about it so that might give you some idea of the intensity of these slaps in the face. But consider me officially woken up.
For several months, I’ve been desperately searching for someone to forgive me. Forgive me for fucking up law school, forgive me for running away, forgive me for falling apart in Europe, forgive me for making horrendous financial decisions that will haunt me for the next ten years, forgive me for turning into the hot mess that I’ve become in the past six months. And the thing is: Everyone forgives me. Everyone is so fucking kind and understanding but the more understanding people were, the more desperate I felt.
And then there was a morning this week, while walking to work, when that forgiveness suddenly came. And when it hit me, the relief literally knocked the wind from my lungs. It turns out that all this time, the only person I needed to forgive me was myself. I still don’t know where I’ll be living in a few weeks or where the money will come from but I finally feel like I have me on my side and I think that’s all I ever needed.
Categories: my life in words